As we grow older, our idea of friendship changes. What we looked for in friends when we were younger may not be what we need from them today.
For me, friendship has become less about having people to go out with and more about having people I can talk to, share my thoughts with, and turn to when I need someone who understands me.
One thing I have learnt is that if you are married — and married to the right person — you essentially have a friend living with you already, all the time. They know most things about you, and you end up telling them most things, too.
But somewhere along the way, that has also made me more conscious of what I share with my friends. Because, let’s be honest, there is a good chance their husbands are going to hear about it, too. 😂
And honestly, I don’t always like that.
But women do need female friends. There is something about talking to another woman that is difficult to explain. There are experiences we understand without having to explain them because we have lived through them, too.
So, I spoke to some of my friends to find out what they think has changed about their friendships as they have grown older. Their answers made me realise that while our friendships may look different today, the things we look for in them have changed, too.
1. We Stop Counting Friends and Start Valuing the Ones Who Stay
In our twenties, friendship can feel like a numbers game — more people, more plans, more WhatsApp groups. As we grow older, that changes. We may have fewer people we are close to, but the ones who remain become far more important. You don’t need ten people at your birthday dinner; sometimes, you just need one person who knows why you’re quiet.
“Female friendships to me are all about comfort, acceptance, and understanding of each other’s feelings. A person who makes you feel more confident, happy and isn’t competitive about your wins, shows up whenever you need them is a true friend.”
“My definition of a true friend has changed a little because I realised that sometimes you don’t need years of friendship to know a person. A real friend can always read you much better than everyone else in the room,” she added.
— Monalisa, Co-founder AR Elite Fit Fitness Studio and my forever friend.
2. We Move from a Big Circle to a Smaller, More Meaningful One
Think about our college days. We had large groups of friends, birthday parties, movie outings and plans that came together at the last minute. There was always someone to call and something to do.
But as we grow older, that circle often becomes smaller and more personal. Not because we stop liking people, but because our priorities and needs begin to change.
Marriage, family, children and changing social circles all play a part. We begin to value people who understand what we are going through, rather than simply those who are available for a night out.
“When I was younger, friendship was about numbers. More friends meant more fun, more plans, more people to call on a Saturday. But, somewhere in my thirties, that changed. Work got demanding, families grew, people moved cities. The group chats went quiet one by one. At first it felt like a loss. Now I see it as a filter.”
“Today I have fewer friends, but the ones I have are very close. These are people I don’t need to perform for. We can go weeks without talking and pick up exactly where we left off.”
— Soumiya Awasthi, Associate Director (Marketing) Infopro Learning and my partner in mischief.
3. We Move from Meeting Often to Knowing Each Other Deeply
You can go months without seeing each other and still pick up exactly where you left off. No awkwardness, no explanations, no complaints about why you haven’t met. You just carry on as if you spoke yesterday.
Because, let’s be honest, life gets busy. There is work, children, homes, parents, husbands and a hundred other responsibilities. Finding time to meet friends isn’t always easy, even when you really want to.
But that doesn’t mean the friendship has to suffer. Sometimes, it simply means finding new ways to stay connected.
“As we grow and evolve into beautiful women, we are bestowed with more work as well as marital responsibilities, including looking after children. It’s obviously difficult to take out time for friends or even ourselves. But that’s where the idea of real friendship kicks in.
“Your true friends understand this, and they know that you are available just a call and a message away. I feel I am only a call away from my friends, and that’s reassuring.”
— Mona Chauhan, a Healthcare Consultant and my chosen family.
4. We Find a Safe Space Beyond Marriage and Family
A husband can be your best friend, but there are still things you may find easier to discuss with another woman. The little frustrations of marriage, the challenges of motherhood, ageing parents, body changes, hormones, expectations and all the things you sometimes just need to talk about without having to explain yourself.
Sometimes, you don’t even want to talk about any of it. You just need someone to say, “Hey, let’s have coffee together.”
And sometimes, that coffee and a good conversation are all you need to feel a little better.
“Female friendship for me is not something that’s superficial and looks forced. For me it’s more like a deep connection built on trust, vulnerability and common experiences.”
“As we are growing, I believe I have no place for artificial friendships. I want my friends to be like family members — trustworthy, understanding, caring, and available when you need them. Friendships where we don’t have to pretend, explain ourselves too much or worry about being judged.”
— Shweta, a makeup artist and a dear friend,
5. We Realise That Not Every Friendship Has to Last Forever
This is probably one of the harder things to accept. Some friendships belong to a particular version of us — our school days, college years, first job, early days of motherhood, or a particular city we once called home.
Some friends stay through all these phases, while others slowly become a part of your past. And sometimes, that happens without a fight, a disagreement or even a clear reason. Life simply takes us in different directions.
Over time, we also make new friends who understand the person we are today, rather than the person we used to be.
“For me, friendship and people matter a lot because I genuinely believe in energy, because people we surround ourselves with will have an impact on us, our thoughts, our mood, our confidence, and even the way we see life. So for me, female friendship is finding someone who understands parts of your life that may be difficult to explain to anyone else without judging, competing and questioning.”
“True friendship is not about being together all the time; it is about knowing that, whenever life brings you back together, the bond still feels like home. So for me, one of the most beautiful things about growing up as a woman is learning that friendship doesn’t always have to be constant to be real.”
— Mridula Mehra, an avid reader and my fellow book enthusiast.
6. We Need Our Friends for Different Reasons
One friend might be the person you call when you need to cry. Another is your shopping partner. Someone else knows everything about your children. There is one friend you call simply because you need to laugh. And then there is that one childhood friend who is connected with you on Instagram, likes all your posts and stories, and remembers you in a way no one else does.
Not every friendship needs to look the same, and not every friend needs to fulfil every role.
As we grow older, we begin to appreciate what each person brings into our lives instead of expecting one person to understand every part of us. Some friendships are built around shared interests, some around years of history, and some around the simple comfort of knowing that the other person is there.
“Getting the tag on this post from you. That’s the kind of friendship I still look up to. One which is low maintenance but still very much alive.”
— Kiran Singh, a childhood friend.
When I look back, I realise that I have changed quite a bit, too. The things I expected from friendships when I was younger aren’t necessarily what I look for today.
I am just grateful for the friends who have stayed. And if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that I may not need a bigger circle, but I will always need my girls.
